It has been one of those days. I’m going to get real here for a minute.
I haven’t put my finger on one particular reason but I am feeling really down today.
I’m tired of feeling sick – after a week of strep and catching something from Oliver this past week, it is old. I had no motivation for my workout this morning but I went through the mechanics of it anyway (I hate workouts like that, with no drive or spirit). I have so many little things to do that I don’t know what to tackle first. I guess I’m feeling a bit tired of the routine.
A mommy is always “on duty”. It’s one of the hardest parts of the job to wrap your head around if you ask me. I love my boys and, after a shaky start with post partum depression, have felt really good since Emery came along, like I have been hitting my mommy stride. But today I have been daydreaming about a day or two where no one needs anything from me: No meals, no laundry, no tidying, no breastfeeding, no phone calls to make or receive. Just me and a cold drink laying on the beach or me and my ski poles heading up the hill. Sun or snow, I don’t really care, as long as there is nothing to think about but my glass getting empty or taking a spill off the chairlift.
Damn the mommy guilt for setting in at the thought of needing a break. Logically, I know that every parent has these days but, try as I might to have more realistic expectations of myself, I am still sometimes in “super mom” mode, thinking that I should be able to do it all and be everything, all with an apron around my waist and a smile on my face. I really am getting somewhere with feeling confident and strong with who I am as a mom but beating myself up for falling short has been the way for so long that it’s a tough habit to break.
I guess the important thing is that I wake up tomorrow and treat it like a new day, right? A new day with new ups and new downs and a fresh outlook. I’ll start over with the meals (from the breast or otherwise), the diapers, the fits, and the tantrums. I will be the best mommy I can be by being as present and in-the-moment with my boys as I possibly can be. And in those moments, those precious little fleeting moments, I am bound to find many sources of strength to help this mommy smile and carry on to the next day.